So you know that experience when you open your closet and it feels like everything in there is so old, it doesn’t really reflect who you are now, and it feels like a raft of old, tired memories and maybe a consciousness of lack?
Well just like we need to regularly clean out our clothes closet, we also need to clean out our relationship closet. Let go of those old beliefs that don’t fit who you are now, let go of the memories of where you wore that dress, who you were with and what great things happened that night. Bring in some new colors, new looks, new ideas and with it will come new kinds of relationships.
It’s actually a two-way street! Have you ever wondered in these makeover shows what’s going to happen when the recipients go back to their old life with only new clothes and a new haircut to carry them but the same old beliefs that got them into the rut in the first place? I hate to quote Sarah Palin anywhere but you can put lipstick on a pig… I can’t go there, but you know what I’m saying.
In my work as a psychotherapist and Calling In “The One” Coach, we always start with the beliefs – “I don’t belong” or “I’m flawed” or “I’m unlovable.” These beliefs that we took on in childhood as a response to our surroundings, we now carry into adulthood as though they were truths about us. Think about your last relationship: what beliefs were you carrying about yourself or others or life that may have blocked the way? Any time I hear “you know men can’t…” or “well I’m just…” or “it can never be as good again…” I know we’re inside of some blocking beliefs.
One client I worked with – I’ll call her Maria – had a strong intention to not be too needy in relationships. She was very strong and independent with men and believed that would make them want her more because she wouldn’t be burdensome or clingy. She worked hard so she would be able to pay her own way and didn’t ask for much so the men couldn’t eliminate her for that reason. When we looked into the belief behind all that, we discovered a deep sense of “I don’t deserve” getting in the way. Maria was genuinely puzzled how the men she had dated would move on to women who were so much needier than she. Wasn’t Ms. Independence what men wanted?
By working with the beliefs around “I don’t deserve” we were able to open Maria up to really connecting with herself and with men and to realize that having needs actually gave men an opportunity to connect with her – to create interdependence and intimacy.
So when you look at your relationship closet, what is hanging up in there? Blocking beliefs, worn out memories, old versions of you?
To start the clutter busting I suggest you grab your journal and fill in the following statements:
My beliefs about men/women are…
My belief about life is…
My beliefs about love are…
My beliefs about marriage are…
You may be surprised at what you discover!
So, in this year of Absolute Audacity, I invite you to join me in clearing out your closets of the clutter of the past and be willing to bring in some new, fresh energy and a vision of what you want to see the next time you look at yourself in the mirror.
Let me know if I can help!
In loving partnership,
Judy
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Although men may be among the simplest creatures on earth, they are not without wants and desires. When it comes to things that men secretly want,
To start the clutter busting I suggest you grab your journal and fill in the following statements:
We work on our relationships everyday. It is really up to us if we want to continue with that relationship or not. I agree with you that you have your own life outside that relationship. Psychologists would encourage each one of us to build a network of healthy relationships. It is through a number of interaction with different people that we can make ourselves independent at the same time learn about ourselves and others.
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Maria up to really connecting with herself and with men and to realize that having needs actually gave men an opportunity to connect with her – to create interdependence and intimacy.
I hate to quote Sarah Palin anywhere but you can put lipstick on a pig… I can’t go there, but you know what I’m saying.